Somewhere Over the Rainbow Babies

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​I'm posting this because it was truly the beginning of our Twin Journey. It is an experience that so many mommies of both twins and singletons can relate to, and it is the life experience that made me the mom I am today. I know I've promised to fill your feed with happy, and certainly will, but this is part of my story that I believe needs to be told. We tend not to talk about Pregnancy and Infant Loss because it's uncomfortable. Unfortunately, it is far more common than we'd like to believe, according to BabyCenter.com "about 10 to 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage." Not acknowledging pregnancy and infant loss leaves those in the moment feeling lonely, searching for success stories and potentially feeling 'unallowed' to grieve. 

​Once a year on October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day I light a candle for our sweet little angel baby boy. In his honor, a few years ago I posted our story on social media and received a tremendous amount of feedback. Nothing fancy just simple feedback like "thank you for sharing your story." When people 'thank you' for sharing a story, I believe it is because it has touched them, they can relate and they're glad to hear that they're not the only one. I believe that mommies (whether we have children with us on earth or angels with us in our souls) are the most beautiful, powerful beings on earth. For this reason, I think it's important to share this story again as I begin my new journey on this blog.  I still believe the best way to tell our story is to simply copy the letter I wrote to the our local hospital's (Mercy, St. Louis) program coordinator to let here know the impact Mercy HeartPrints had on my life. I felt compelled to share our story with them at the time so that the program would have yet another story with a happy ending to share for families experiencing similar situations because mommies are the eternal optimists and in these situations we are searching...no, yearning, to hear about someone else's happy endings because that reassures they are possible. After all, I did promise to fill your feed with happy.  

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​I wanted to take a moment and thank for being the coordinator of such a wonderful program at Mercy and share the story of how I was touched by your work. Our story was that we had lost our little boy at 16 weeks due to Trisomy 13 last November (2012). We found out there were some issues with the pregnancy around 14 weeks due to an abnormal finding (cystic hygroma) during an ultrasound that I had requested from my doctor out of concern. While our check-ups had been going well and the heartbeat was strong I just felt that something was not right. I didn't know if it was new momma cold feet or something more, but my doctor agreed to an ultrasound to put my concerns to rest. Unfortunately, it began the longest 2 weeks of my life.

Upon the ultrasound tech at my doctor's office noticing something didn't look right, we immediately were sent to the Maternal Fetal Lab for further ultrasounds and the concern was confirmed. We talked with the doctors and agreed that waiting for an amniocentesis until 16 weeks was best due to the heightened risk of miscarriage if an amnio was performed prior to that time. And so the wait began, we were told there was a small chance that everything could be fine or more likely that this was a marker that could mean our little guy had a chromosomal defect and would potentially have some challenges. So we educated ourselves, and learned that there was a high probability that the CH itself could lead to other health issues and possibly death. 

The waiting continued for what seemed to be an eternity. Our amnio was scheduled for the Monday after Thanksgiving. I had a previously scheduled 16 week check up that Wednesday prior and my doctor asked me to come in as normal, so I did. It was at that appointment where no heart beat could be found and an hour later the MFM lab confirmed that we had lost our little boy. We came in the following Sunday for labor and delivery and the Mercy team couldn't have been any kinder. The HeartPrints Program, and the care and compassion I received from the nurses was wonderful. Approximately 12 hours later, the Monday after Thanksgiving, our baby boy was born sleeping. The process was painful, beautiful, natural and extremely sad. We left exactly 24 hours after we had arrived....empty handed. My husband said to me on the way out - 'next time we leave here we'll have a baby with us.' We let the appropriate amount of time (for us) go by and began to try again.

The weeks were filled with emotion from our loss, effort to try to get back to where we had been as a couple and a family prior to learning that we were pregnant, and excitement to try again. Our want for a child was greater than it had ever been, it felt like having a baby was the only thing that would help fill the void in our hearts. During that tough time we continued to be touched by your program. Receiving your phone calls to check in on us, an Angel Christmas ornament in his remembrance, and we felt at peace that our little boy was respectfully laid to rest through your program. We eventually looked at his pictures and wondered who he may have looked like. There were quite a few teary nights for me when I held the blanket his little body had touched and cried and cried over his loss.

Signs of spring began to pop up and we were still trying to have a baby. We had a false alarm with a chemical pregnancy that raised our hopes and then let them down a few days later..... and then we got it - a blazing positive pregnancy test in April. The line was so dark (unlike the chemical pregnancy) that it was unmistakable. I was sick as a dog (which I had never been with our Angel) and, in fact, was prompted to take the pregnancy test prior to a missed period due to nausea and sickness that was - frankly- interrupting my life. Just at 4 weeks the pregnancy was confirmed by my doctor but he called and wanted to do an ultrasound to confirm all was well at 6 weeks because of our prior experience and because my hormone levels were pretty high for being so newly pregnant. Nervous as could be I went to his office and waited to be called, went in for the ultrasound and the tech was quiet....then she said hmmm....I kindly reminded her that the last time there was silence in an ultrasound for me it was not the best experience and asked her to explain the hmmm....she smiled and said 'Well, there are two hmmms'. We were overjoyed!!

The pregnancy progressed I got bigger....and bigger and bigger.....and bigger. We continued to receive lovely reminders of our little boy from your program on Mother's Day and Father's Day while we were so excited for the arrival and progression of our current pregnancy it was so nice to know that our little boy was not forgotten. Almost exactly one year later, after being in and out of L&D due to pre-term contractions, the weekend after Thanksgiving I was in the hospital, and that Monday (like the year prior) I gave birth, but this time to two healthy baby girls. They are my Rainbow Babies. Just as my husband had promised we left the hospital with not only one baby but two!!
 
The reason I wanted to send you this email is because I believe that losing a little one is such an emotional experience and it is one that should be respected, but we as a society tend to ignore that it ever happened. People don't want to talk about it because it makes them uncomfortable and sad, but as a result us mommies and daddies that live it feel lonely, isolated and sad. You're program is wonderful; from arranging burial, to the tender way HeartPrints moms are removed from moms delivering happy and healthy babies, things as small as signs on the door, and touches as notable as the lovely reminders sent by mail that acknowledge the life of these small angels that are brought to heaven far too soon. I know that without people like you driving these programs they would not exist, my guess is that the experience is so sad that once it is over Mom's work to move on, place their reminders of their babies in a box on a top shelf of their closets and you don't hear from them again. Well, I wanted you to know that the box full of reminders is visited by mommies regularly, the work you do while extremely sad and probably a bit thankless, makes the experience special and made me feel like my son's life was acknowledged. 

After speaking with other Mom's who have had similar experiences at different facilities, it is apparent that your program is world class and for that I want to thank you. Attached is a picture of my beautiful Rainbow babies, they are proof that there is light at the end of the tunnel for Mom's who feel like their world has come crashing down.

Sincerely,
​Heidi